Thanksgiving with Obama, Palin, Bush and Drudge

Thanksgiving with Obama, Palin, Bush and Drudge

David Paul Kuhn
Nov. 24, 2010

Editors Note: Below is a partial transcript from a dinner Monday night at the White House. In attendance: Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Sarah Palin, Janet Napolitano, George W. Bush and Matt Drudge. (White House officials correctly deny the dinner took place.)


Barack Obama: I'd like to thank all of you for attending this White House pre-Thanksgiving feast. It's a chance to sit down like Indians and pilgrims and smoke a peace pipe.

Janet Napolitano: You can't say that Barack.

Obama: Yes, you're right.

Sarah Palin: That's what's wrong with you folks. You're so politically correct. It's why you won't profile terrorist suspects.

Obama: We will get to the policy discussion shortly. Firstly, I'd like to thank President Bush for coming on behalf of John Boehner, who apparently had another scheduling conflict.

Napolitano: He's probably at a tanning bed.

Palin: In Alaska, the only things we tan are hides. I've killed things with a gun, ya know.

Obama: Yes, Sarah, I've seen your reality show--

Palin: Sundays, 9-8 central, on TLC--

Obama: Well thank you for coming George.

George W. Bush: My pleasure, though I didn't know Michelle would make us eat fake tofu turkey.

Palin: Liberals.

Michelle Obama: Apologies, Sarah. I don't know how to cook moose.

Obama: Ok then. On to less contentious issues. Thoughts on this TSA mess?

Napolitano: What mess? So people aren't happy getting frisked. They'd be a lot unhappier with a terrorist attack. And why is it that President Bush does warrantless wire-tapping and there's no big outcry? He lies about Iraq being linked to 9/11 and starts a war in Iraq over it. And those mythical WMDs. But Americans support him for years. People die in war. They're only getting felt up here.

Bush: Who invited Keith Olbermann to dinner? See, you need a color-coded alert system. It warms people to new security measures. Actually, wait until election year for that. Now Janet, let me explain this to you. First, you have tea party folks rallying a national movement with stuff like "don't tread on me" flags. And you think it's a good idea to start a frisk-America policy. And you got to understand, people are being touched here like it's their prom date. This bothers lots of people because everyone goes on planes and no one likes what's being done.

Obama: Yes, war without cost. Tax cuts without paying for them. Brilliant.

Bush: See Barry, that's what gets you in trouble. Are you going to offer another metaphor--yes, I know what a metaphor is--about how placing a car in reverse is like voting Republican?

Obama: Actually, George, that's a simile.

Bush: Thanks professor. I realize you won a Pulitzer--

Obama: It was a Nobel Prize. I've won a Grammy and Emmy too.

Palin: I won the Alaska high school state basketball championship. They called me "Sarah Barracuda." How 'bout a game of basketball sometime Mr. President?

Obama: Anytime Barracuda. But don't call the referee a liberal if you lose.

Bush: There you go again, Barry. You can't be so partisan. It's not your brand.

Obama: Yes, I forget the bridge-builder mantra sometimes. Mea culpa.

Palin: Mea watsa? I only speak American.

Bush: Barry, she's joking again (Bush slaps Obama on the back).

Obama: I'm sorry, yes. You are very humorous Sarah. You were saying George.

Bush: Maybe the issue is the folks doing the searches. If the TSA agents looked liked Sarah here, everyone would be ok with it.

Palin: Oh Mr. President.

Bush: I'm joking around. Well, actually, I'm offering solutions here. That's what I do. Solutions. And as we Texans would say, most of these TSA folks are so ugly it looks like they were in an outhouse when lightening striked... We should hire only good-lookin' TSA agents. No one would complain then.

Obama: George, we cannot discriminate against homely people.

Bush: Sarah's right. You're too politically correct. You'd rather pat down old nuns than offend bad guys.

Obama: May I remind you, you didn't get the bad guy. You know, Osama.

Bush: And have you? Not so easy being president, is it? And wasn't that funny when Fox News wrote your name as Osama during the election Barry?

Obama: Not especially.

Bush: You need to laugh at yourself more. But really, I don't get all this fuss about profiling. Shucks. If a bunch of white Texas good ol' boys, you know average Joes, guys with pickups, who have ranches like real cowboys, real Americans, like me, were trying to use planes as bombs, I wouldn't mind getting profiled.

Obama: Real Americans?

Bush: Oh Barry. You're so sensitive. Don't mind Sarah. You're a real American... Sarah, don't roll your eyes.

Palin: Sorry Mr. President.

Obama: That's alright.

Bush: She was apologizing to me, Barry.

Obama: Of course. ... Matt, are you posting about this under the table?

Matt Drudge: No, Mr. President.

Obama: Look, Matt, people didn't want me to invite you. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to make peace with you as well. Off-the-record. I understand why the people go to your page--

Palin: Why'd you use air quotes Mr. President for "the people?"

Obama: Sorry. Old habits die hard--

Palin: Like socialism?

Obama: More like smoking--

Drudge: You're still smoking. Ha, I got that one right!

Obama: I'm not smoking!

Palin: Big sis probably won't let you.

Obama: Alright, allow me to finish my point ... Now Matt, I don't read Drudge, of course. But I noticed you have been obsessed with these TSA screenings.

Napolitano: This is all your fault, Matt! You've made this a national sensation. Mr. President, I told you he shouldn't be here. No one should read Drudge--

Drudge: Hold on. Janet, didn't you say you knew you "made it" when you saw "Drudge has a nickname for me."

Napolitano: I was joking.

Drudge: Not very well.

Bush: Ok folks. Let's calm down. See, I've been thinking--

Napolitano: That's news--

Bush: Not bad, big sis. But don't forget I created your job. And you're welcome, by the way. ...See now, on TSA, the Israelis not only profile but they use psychological screening. You know, like shrinks. That'd be better. Now I personally don't mind these new security measures. It got me out of Thanksgiving with the old man.

Obama: I wish it could get me out of Thanksgiving with Michelle's family.

Michelle: Ahem.

Obama: Sorry dear. ... You were saying George.

Bush: This frisking bothers many folks. So here's what you do. Fire big sis over here, and say TSA will only do this if there is probable cause. And yes, profile a bit, one-way tickets, visits to countries that hate us. Every other world power profiles. Do that and I'm sure Drudgey will give you a siren. Drudgey?

Drudge: Don't fire big sis. She's good for clicks. But sure, I'd give that a siren.

Obama: And the banner headline?

Drudge: Sure.

Obama: And a red font?

Drudge: Yes, and a red font.

Obama: Hmm. I probably shouldn't be hasty though. Maybe I should let a few committees in Congress consider the issue for the next year--

Bush: That's what you're doing wrong Barry. Just decide. Then let the eggheads squawk over it. No offense Barry, I mean other eggheads. Really though, you're now the decider! That's why you have this fancy house. Have you used the bowling alley by the way? It's awesome. I used to run as fast as I could in my socks and see how far I could slide down the lane. Laura hated that.

Obama: You're still lucky. Michelle won't even let me have real turkey on Thanksgiving.

Michelle: Ahem.

Obama: Sorry dear. ... I can't wait to eat. Actually, we should cut this organic tofu. And look at these veggies grown in our wonderful sustainable garden. Please let's begin. Sarah, do you want to say grace?

Palin: I knew it! You don't even know grace, do you? Glenn was right about you. And why do you ask the conservative mom from Alaska? You think we're all bible thumpers, don't ya?

Obama: Sorry, perhaps I too was profiling.

Bush: Oh shucks. Lay off the professor, cheerleader.

Palin: Huh, Bushey?

Bush: I'm just playing around. I've been having a lot of fun lately. This book tour is great. Talking to folks, going to Denny's a lot, watching a former critic see what it's like to be in charge. It's good not to be king.

Obama: I can imagine.

Palin: Don't worry Obama, I mean Mr. President, I'm thinking about sorting that out for you.

Obama: That's actually what I do pray for.

Bush: Barry, you're getting all Pelosi-like again. See now, you just got your butt kicked in the election. You should be humbler. A regular fellow. Like me. Show people that you get the message. Fire someone, like I did with Rummy. Again, fire big sis over here. Do it. It's great. Once your vice president gives you permission, you can fire anyone you want. ... relax people, that's some Cheney humor.

Obama: I'll take it under consideration George.

Napolitano: What!

Palin: You should fire yourself. You can do that, ya know. I did. It worked out great! Now I have a reality TV show, a regular position at Fox, a new book coming out and I'm a leading presidential candidate. I'm sure MSNBC would give you a primetime show.

Michelle: Will someone please say grace?

Palin: Ok, I'll do it. Dear Lord, thank you for this liberal feast of tofu and raw vegetables. Please bless this table and please help this socialist president find the right path, so that he no longer molests this nation like his security agents are molesting Americans. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!